Revelations V: Jihad is me

“In a corner of my soul there hides a tiny frightened child, who is frightened by a corner where there lingers something wild.” (Shaun Hick, The Army of Five Men)

Human beings endure hardships. This is normal. Whether that hardship is sexual abuse, chronic illness, witnessing suicide or struggling with chemical warfare doesn’t change how one can use multiple personalities to survive. At times, the only way to survive. In my opinion; this is a deadly game to play.

Often times I wonder the relevance of multiple personalities within everyday life. Why I feel a certain way regarding a particular subject, and suddenly within minutes, seconds even, entertain a view at the very opposite end of the spectrum. Is this different emotions speaking to me (as separate beings) or is it actual other beings (or life forces), perhaps it is spirits of the old people guiding me.

At times I feel this ‘guiding’ is a view that is forced upon me, a spinal chord ripped from my enemy and inserted where mine once was. Jihad is me. I’ve spent many years training my mind to be strong, to be free, to adapt; to be like water. Inconsistent training and relying too much on natural abilities is never enough to keep you at the level one must aspire to be at though.

The battle between the mind and the heart is the battle between student and Sensei. Some day it will be possible but is only achievable by freeing the mind with discipline, dedication and consistency.

Maybe every human has a dark corner where their frightened child cries? Is that child a separate being that must make its own decisions and sacrifices in order to become courageous; in order to challenge Sensei?

Because the child is the source of pain; do your other personalities oppress this precious child in order to keep him/her silent; to cease the rebellion?

Maybe winning is creating an environment so that this child can be mentored and encouraged to bloom like the rose that grew from the concrete? Or maybe the child is destined to a life of hard labour?

“Each alter personality had a common goal and raison d’etre, namely my survival. They didn’t all realize that though, and so were at odds with each other much of the time. So I continued to be fragmented and divided.” (Carolyn Bramhall, Am I a Good Girl Yet? Childhood Abuse Had Shattered Her. What Would It Take to Make Her Whole?)

I am starting to think that all of the above is irrelevant in obtaining a true full life for the child. Humans by nature encourage themselves to oppress themselves. Whether or not you are made of one personality or five; they make up one being. You. Me.

“Much of your pain is self-chosen” (Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet)

One must first choose to oppress this child the same way as one must choose to grow this child. A choice has been made by someone within yourself. Maybe this was the politically correct decision at the time; judges and juries. Maybe its time for King Solomon to cut the baby in half in order to find its real father/mother?

All the answers are within; finding them is the battle.

© Leroy Wilson